As Seen On The Bathroom Wall

I'm combining my two Friday features because I was too busy, disappointed, tired, angry, frustrated, annoyed, mischievous, and bored to do them yesterday. In other words, I was damn lazy and I don't want to hear any more lip.

To the roach who stole my damn parking spot, I envy you, your ability to take so much damn joy out of robbing a mother of 4 a little 6x5 piece of asphalt so you can walk into Longs and get yourself some roid cream. And yeah, I knew that is what you needed, just by the way you gingerly climbed out of your lifted Tahoe, legs all spread wide, as though if they touched, you'd burst into some freakishly rank smelling flame. I saw the $1 swim ring on the seat, too. Pink is your color. Must match the pink bulbous mass that's probably still clinging to your sphincter. I hope it was worth nearly killing yourself and the lady who just pulled out of that stall.

• WTF is up with China saying that those little female gymnasts are 16? Their physical justification is that Chinese are small? Small can still look 16! These girls look like they should still be sucking on their mama's left nipple! I have stuck out my self-imposed ban from watching the Olympics, but it's hard to miss their faces on every news site and paper I read! They're about as 16 as Molly Ringwald is. And yes, I meant IS I don't care if they parade 100 people in front of the IOC and tell them that these girls are 16. I don't believe it.


• WTF is wrong with being honest? Holy shit, are people really that desperate for peace that they'll live with being lied to? NATO and the UN all smile and nod their heads when Russia said it would pull out of Georgia, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES, and here we are, almost a month in, and no pulling out. It's like a John Holmes porn flick gone wrong. I think everyone knows that Russia isn't going to pull out of Georgia, nor that they are NOT in it for the massive oil pipeline that runs through Georgia. Russia sees how desperate the world is becoming for fuel, and it's way to cement its power is to possess as much oil as possible. Kind of like Britney Spears and cheetos.


• WTF is the deal with slow internet connections? Everything is running smooth and fast, like a morning pee, and then all of a sudden, it slows down. Slow connections are the kidney stones of the internet! I'm hating life when I simply cannot see my email images load up quickly enough. I need to have my fix of email smileys in the morning with my coffee and forwards and spam. It's just not the same if all I see is a pretty red X and some random and obscure word married to it, like Uber, and Snargle.


• WTF is a snargle?