As Seen On The Bathroom Wall

Some of you know that I've had heart problems since forever. I recently had a procedure done that was supposed to fix things, but it didn't work out as we all had hoped, so I'm going to have to have another one done soon. What I didn't expect was the difficulties I'd experience as a result of how my heart has reacted to the previous procedure.

While before, it would merely kick start into high gear, and being racing like it was in a rave dance off, now, it jump starts itself like a rocket, thumping in my chest something fierce, and I feel as though someone has punched me right above my breastbone. It's a very unnerving feeling, to say the least, but very shocking, and often times, can bring be to a standstill, shocking me into immobilization until the thumpa-thumpa-thumpa of my heart racing to catch up to some invisible white rabbit knocks some sense into me.

Well, yesterday morning, that immobilizing jump start occurred while driving home from dropping the kids off at school. While normally, it wouldn't be a problem, today, my body decided to go into blind, deaf, and paralyzed mode for exactly 4 seconds. (it's amazing how you're able to tick away seconds when you cannot see, hear, or feel anything other than the blood flowing in your veins) In that scant 4 seconds of complete and total vulnerability, I did the unthinkable. I ran a red light. With my 2 youngest children in the car.

I started crying as soon as I realized what had happened, and I couldn't believe the lives I had put in danger, especially those of my babies, and felt so hopeless and so pitiful. I rarely feel sorry for myself, so this bout of "woe is me" instead of "fucking doctor and his screw up" that I've had since I realized my surgery wasn't a success has really taken its toll on me. Now that I know that it's also causing me to endanger the lives of others, I'm feeling even more..."woe".

I don't like feeling helpless. I don't like feeling like an invalid. I know that as soon as the husband finds out (which he hasn't yet), he'll tell me I can't drive anymore. Oh Em Gee. That's going to kill me. My mobility...gone, too? WTF?

I guess until things get fixed in the ticker, it's for the best, but how much more complicated can this get? Will I need to wear that damn pacemaker like it was hinted? Ugh!